TO HECK WITH TV COMEDY
GIMME THE CLASSIFIEDS



Out with Australia’s biggest ‘porkie’. Australia’s Funniest Home Videos’. I have mastered the off-switch on my remote control. I have eschewed this inane show, (I wonder if that would be classed as an Oxymoron) and other canned-laughter goodies with the exception of M.A.S.H.

…Now there’s a new giggle in my otherwise routine-laden life…scanning the local paper’s classifieds.

Here in these harmless: Murder-on-Howick Street, Petrol Shoots Up Another Ten Cents, Doom Gloom, Bring Back The Birch headlines and accompanying stories – all good serious stuff; like the sun peering out of our often threatening, but never acting Bathurst black clouds – comes. The Classifieds. Folks, all great light reading.

In the old days long before it was correct to be politically correct we referred to the little literals, sometimes seen in these columns, as “Schoolboy Howlers”.
My favourite is from the SMH in March of 1989. It’s yellowed with age but still allows me to have a giggle. The ad extolled the beauty of a house whose quality was “floorless”...now you and I know it meant flawless, but it got through the system, caused a giggle for many a week.

The operator took the good-natured ribbing like a professional.

Talking about “Glass houses and throwing stones.” I’m guilty… in my cadet days, we did everything then, I once took an ad for a Business For Sale and offered the buyer: “God Parking”. The client took it in good grace; The editor and other lesser mortals were, shall we say, slightly miffed. I washed coffee cups for a month.

I look forward to my Addo and it’s sister, the weekly freebie, The Western Times, just to scan the classies. Sorry Editorial team.
In these modern times when many papers do not have the privilege of proofreaders it is the job of the classified operator to ensure that spelling and content is correct.

Apart from a validity section whose role is to scan each advertisement to ensure it goes in the right classification and does not contravene all the wonderful government legislation regarding discrimination and the like, there is no other back-up. Given the amount of ads going through the papers, the checkers do a great job.
Most papers worth their salt give applicants for positions in the classified department, a thorough pre-selection test battery; typing, spelling (a must) and then an intensive induction course prior to being let loose on the paying public. Classifieds do not come cheap, I kid you not. Ergo the heavy emphasis on “getting it right.”

In fairness to the ‘local papers, invariably they do get it right. However, the ol’ gremlins do get into the works; rest easy Bathurst press, these I gleaned from Sydney ‘burb papers. I won’t mention names in case a couple of guys who dwarf Willie Mason, come calling with retribution on their minds.
Two personal ads in the “dating” columns had the advertiser listed as “good humered” there were two of them.
I scanned my Big Mac (Macquarie) dictionary for that word to confirm my suspicions that prefix “humer” was something to do with body.
The nearest I came up with was humerus; that part of the arm from the shoulder to the forearm. I hope they meant good humoured/humored, or funny (according to my Big Mac).

The next, was an ad for “Ironers Wanted”. It called for English non-speakers to do this. Ah! Someone is looking for a mute Brit. Is there such a creature?
Of course not! What it really meant was that non-English speakers were welcome to take in the ironing.
Methinks that’s a tad discriminatory, maybe a bit patronising. Who cares what language the person speaks as long as the job is done well.

Then there was the ad for the dental chair. It said: “ would suit dentist or dental prosthetist.” Come on guys! In reality, who else but a dentist would want one.
Wait! Perhaps a computer operator, isn’t that worthy soul is worth a “byte” or two?...(loud groans please)
Finally! And here’s my ongoing gripe.

Please, please, press colleagues, do something about those wonderful people in the food and beverage industry who are constantly being referred to as waitpersons. Okay! They also serve who only stand and wait – whoops, a flying pun. Waitperson, Waitstaff, I hate the words. Beverage Server is a tad better, but there’s room for improvement here. So, let’s go back to the simple life and eliminate the problem PDQ.

In the professions: the terms, manager, actor, author, reverend, pastor or minister describes either gender. Why not waiter? It’ll grow on you.

Still in all I’ma rabid fan of my local papers and success to ‘em all, so don’t shoot me I’m only a humble freelance scribe.

Er, feel free to scan for SPAGs – that’s Spelling Punctuation And Grammar.